Oink oink moo moo

A few days ago I finally admitted to myself that I have gained weight. I could feel it in my clothes, and could most definitely see it in the mirror. Cruel, unforgiving mirror. Having spent the last year working my ass off (quite literally) losing 50+ lbs, this was a truly, deeply, depressing revelation. Not exactly what I need right now.

I could list all kinds of excuses. We moved and I haven't had the time to go to the gym. It's that time of year when food is everywhere. I've had too much on my mind. But it doesn't matter what I say to myself or others, the fact is that I just haven't given a sh!t for the last 6 weeks. Not about me anyways. I've given many sh!ts about what is going on AROUND me, and even more sh!ts about what is going on WITH me, but not about me personally/physically. My legs are hairy, my toenails haven't seen polish in weeks, my acrylic french nails are nowhere to be seen and I am packing on the chub like a farmer's pig heading to slaughter.

I'm no stranger to this road, I've been down it before. I am NOT, I repeat NO EFFING WAY, going down it again. I have worked too hard for too long and felt too good about myself to let myself go. I don't care what's going on in my life, at least I have my looks to fall back on.
(btw...that ^^^ was me trying to be funny, even though I'm not supposed to be trying)

Anyways, it's just not likely that I am going to make it to the gym 5x week right now. For one, we moved and the gym is no longer 2 mins away from my house. Two, my man works ridiculous shifts and lots of them this time of year and three, come January I will either be working outside the home or inside the home (that's another entry for another day) so time will be a major issue. Running outside at this time of year isn't really an option. The roads are hideous and even though I have a wind cover for the double jogger, it's just too cold to even consider running in 20 below weather with kids. So, I've decided to get a home gym and a treadmill. I LOVE running. Love love love it. I've always wanted a treadmill and almost bought one earlier this year, but room was an issue and I was able to get to the gym and run a lot outside this summer. Room is still a bit of an issue, since the majority of the basement floods, but I have a spot in mind that doesn't flood....yet. I knew my SIL had a home gym, dismantled and collecting dust in the in-laws basement storage, so I asked her if I could borrow it until they want to use it. Of course she said yes, how could she say no? So that leaves the treadmill. Easy peasy, right? Just go get one and voila!, all will be better. That's what I thought too. I have scoured the local buy and sell, newspaper classifieds, craigslist and the like. I even posted a message on mine AND my man's Facebook accounts (yes, I have a Facebook page, I'm an addict....again, another blog entry for another day) .......and yet, with a combined six hundred and thirty four friends (yes, 6-3-4) nobody has one they want to sell? Oh, AS IF. I know there are dozens of treadmills out there, hiding under a pile of clothes or a blanket of dust, just praying that someone, anyone, will come along, fire them up, hop on and sweat all over them (hmmm that almost sounds dirty lol) but no such luck. Faaaaaack.

I would just go buy a brand new one, but I'm not sure I can justify such an expensive purchase right now. It's 2 weeks before Christmas (ok 12 days but who the hell is counting anyways) and we have a half renovated house that has a huge unforseeen repair bill looming in the spring. I considered doing a no payments no interest thing, but for the first time in, well, ever, we are debt free aside from the mortgage and car payment. We have spent the last 3 years paying off all of our credit cards, loans, line of credit, department store credit, you name it. We also made a pact that we wouldn't get sucked into the no payments bullsh!t ever again. I know the man won't care, I know he understands. So maybe I will. I dunno. That could lead to more guilt, as if I don't have enough of that.

Anyways, it's my man's only day off this week, so I did manage to get to the gym this afternoon. (Side note: I quit working at the gym last month, but I'm still on an employee membership and I'm not reminding them to take me off. I know, I'm evil, pure evil). I weighed myself when I got there. 8lbs. In 6 weeks. Jesus. You have got to be kidding me. I wanted to cry, but instead I bit my lip, told myself to suck it up buttercup (or butterball as the case may be) and hopped on the treadmill. It felt good. Screw that, it felt GREAT. I forgot what that rush of endorphins does for a person. I ran like a mofo for a full 40 mins. My brain was just flying. I thought about all the people I hate for making my life miserable and ran faster and harder until my lungs felt like they would explode and I wanted to barf. I left there panting, beet red in the face, mascara running to my nose, sweat stains under my pits like the classy diva that I am and I felt like I could take on the world, and then some. I think it's safe to say that running is definitely "my thing".

So, I'm back on the wagon and I refuse to fall off. I guess I feel like my weight is the one and only thing in my life that I have some sort of control over. I need to be in control of something right now. I need to feel good about myself again. God do I need these things.

My goal is to lose the 8lbs as quickly as I gained them. I WILL succeed. And I WILL find a treadmill!!!!