Cuddly as a cactus, charming as an eel

I don't like Christmas. I would even go as far to say that I hate Christmas. Perhaps even loathe. Ok maybe not loathe, let's go with hate or very strong dislike. Bah Humbug. Call me Ebenezer, it doesn't bother me. I have no problems telling people how I feel about Christmas. Their jaws drop, their eyes go wide and they look at me, horrified, and ask....."Whaaaaaaaat? How can you not like it, it's CHRISTMAS?!?!"

But really, what is Christmas?

If you are a religious person, it's about the birth of Jesus Christ. I appreciate that, even though I am not overly religious. I think it's wonderful for families to attend church on Christmas Eve and come together to worship. It's beautiful and heart warming.

What I don't understand is what everyone else gets out of Christmas.

Presents. It's the one time of year that I look around and can actually see the greed, thick in the air. Children are exposed to the mass commercialization of Christmas. Toys, toys, toys. Presents, presents and more presents. The older they get, the longer the wish lists with ridiculously expensive gifts on them. "Oh sure little Johnny, Santa would love to bring you a 42" plasma AND an XBox 360 AND a cell phone, because let's face it, every 10 year old needs to have one" Let's not even get into when they start comparing their gifts to what other kids got and then start complaining about it. Complaining! I know it's not just my kids that do this, because I have seen it with my own eyes at family gatherings and have been told stories from other parents. I have tried over and over, year after year, to try and get them to not be so greedy. But every year, it happens all over again. Sure, kids will be kids...but what are we teaching them? As they dive into the 4 foot high mountain of carefully wrapped presents and then tear them apart like animals, they certainly aren't learning the value of a dollar or that working hard for your money is rewarding. Really.

Enough about presents, I could go on for hours. And that would be boring. So, what else does Christmas bring? Shopping.....one of my very favorite things to do. Anyone reading this that actually knows me, knows that I love to shop. I'm not a big spender, believe me I love nothing more than a good deal....I just love, love, LOVE to go shopping. I call it retail therapy and I actually believe in that. It's amazing what a new lipgloss or even new oven mitts can do for one's mood. Now, Christmas shopping? Nuh-uh. How can anyone in their right minds enjoy driving around and around the mall parking lot, scanning the spaces for an empty spot? Oh, look, there's one...ah crap, it's just a small car that pulled too far ahead. So 18 laps later, you finally find a spot, a mere football field away from the entrance doors. You schlep your way through the slushy, wet, cold snow (at least you do if you live where I do) and you finally get inside the mall. Oh joy, right? Wrong! It's wall to wall people, rushing around like chickens with their heads cut off, desperately trying to check off the next gift on their list. The shelves are empty, the line-ups are excrutiatingly long and when you live in a small town like I do, it's inevitable that you'll run into someone who a) you don't really like and you have to pretend to like, because hey, it's Christmas or b) you do really like, but geez don't they know you're in a hurry doing your shopping and could they please just stop talking?! Alright, I'm pretty sure you've gotten the drift that Christmas shopping for me is NOT the same as actual shopping. It's like the Retail version of Hell as far as I'm concerned.

Food. Another one of my loves. I love good food. I love cooking. Baking, not so much. I don't do Christmas baking. Measuring is not my thing. 10 bowls to make one thing, also not my thing. So back to cooking. My turkey dinner is by far the best. I'm not just tooting my own horn here, either. It's damn good. So why don't I like that part of Christmas you ask? Well, because I never actually get to cook a turkey on Christmas, because heaven forbid we not attend the family Christmas dinner and piss anyone off. This year....oh and last, but who's counting....it's the in-laws we don't want to piss off. So why not have it on Christmas Eve you ask? Well that's because we'd be pissing off the sister who does the Eve thing every year. And Boxing Day you ask? Because everyone is so sick of turkey by then that I can't be bothered to put in the effort to cook a beautifully browned bird with all the delicious fixin's, knowing that they are just going to eat it to appease me. My talents will not be wasted. Now can we talk about weight gain during the month of December? Actually, let's not. My pants are already tight and it's only the 11th.

Decorations. I have toddlers. Enough said.

Parties. Let's separate them. But first, let me point out that with 3 little kids, we have to choose which parties to attend. Getting a sitter for every event we are invited to over the holidays would probably mean either no presents under the tree (not that we have a tree this year....see above paragraph) or missing the mortgage payment.

1. Work parties - My man works for Save On Foods, a multi-million dollar company. They charge $25 for a ticket to the Christmas party, which I think is so wrong, but we won't go there. Anyways, 2 tix, a few cocktails, a cab home and the sitter, we are looking at $175 (minimum) to spend the evening with people that he already spends 40+ hours a week with. Sounds like fun......yeah.

2. Family parties, including Christmas dinner. My in-laws hate me, especially the MIL. Despite my negative blogging, I really am a likeable person. I'm intelligent and can hold a conversation about almost anything. I've been known to be witty at times too. So anyways, they can't stand me. They tolerate me, but it's through clenched teeth I am sure. Nobody is good enough for their son, but that's a whole 'nother blog entry, probably just as long as this one. As for my family, well if you read my previous blog entry, you'd know that there are some very serious issues there.

3. Social parties. Both my man and I had nasty break-ups with the exes. This means we "share" friends with them. Well, some friends have taken sides, but some still share. So we have to choose carefully when we are invited. Sometimes we even have to just come right out and ask the host/hostess if the Lunatic or Jacka$$ will be there. But, all in all, these get togethers are the most enjoyable of the bunch. Maybe that's the problem, they are a little too enjoyable. In my world (since I turned 30, honestly) holiday fun = 2 day hangover. So is the few hours of socializing fun worth a full day of praying at the porcelain alter? Not freaking likely.

I'm trying to think of something else that's so "wonderful" about the Christmas season, but I'm thinking that about sums it up. You're probably sitting there, sugarplums dancing in your head, thinking how crazy I am that I don't like Christmas. And that's ok.

So. Is it January yet?

Signed,
The Grinch