Smiley Girl With The Perfect Life

You've heard about her a couple times. There she is people, in all her white-toothed glory. Smiling, happy, radiant. You probably wouldn't believe me if I told you that 45 minutes before this picture was taken, she was locked in her bedroom, curled up in a ball with a pillow over her head sobbing to the point of being unable to speak, gasping for air. But it's true. Her unbelievably supportive man (seen on the right, amazingly without any visible injuries) had to remove the bedroom doorknob with a screwdriver (this is the difference between him and me, I woulda just kicked it down) and coerce her out of bed like a cop talking a person off a window ledge. Gently and quietly, while carefully choosing his words so as not to spark total disaster. Somehow she managed to peel herself off the bed, pull herself together, and half a tube of concealer and a Kleenex full of snot later, walk out the door as if she spent the day relaxing at the spa. You know that commercial, "Maybe she's born with it, maybe it's Maybelline?" Well, it's definitely Maybelline. Except that I really am a diva at heart, so it's actually MAC, but who's comparing.

This is my life some (ok, most) days. I feel like a person who is battling Multiple Personality Disorder or a similar condition. It's emotionally draining pretending to be something you're not. Quite frankly, Scarlett, I'm sick of it. I now have zero patience for people who really DO have good lives. I secretly look forward to hearing about other people's misfortunes, because then maybe they will get a taste of what my life feels like. Bitter much?

Is this really who I've become? And if so, is there any turning back? Will I ever be able to tell someone I am doing well or congratulate them on something good they have going on and actually MEAN it? Will the drama and pretending ever end? Forget the Perfect Life part, will I ever actually BE Smiley Girl? One can dream, I suppose.

Well, I have to run, we are hosting a drinks & appies night tonight. The house will be immaculate, the food will be to die for and I will be my usual fake fun, lying likeable, phony perfect self. Ciao! :)

Women shouldn't try to be funny

Quote, unquote. My man said that to me this morning. We were driving, listening to the radio and the radio host(ess) was attempting a joke. Granted it was a feeble attempt....but the statement was a tad harsh, don't you think? I turned to him, a disgusted look on my face, and said "Did you REALLY just say that?!" I was half-expecting him to correct himself, but the part of me that knows him well knew he actually meant it. That part was right. He went on to try and explain, basically saying that there are no truly funny women. I tried to think of some examples, but I couldn't, at least not off the top of my head. I'd like to think that *I* am funny, but lately I'm just the girl that everyone shakes their head about when they hear the latest saga in my life.

This is why I have stopped telling people about my woes. This is why I am blogging instead. I walk around in a daze, with a big sh!t-eating grin on my face, pretending my life is just peachy keen, with a cherry on top. 'Tis the season for running into people who will undoubtedly ask me how I am doing. I'm good!! Fabulous, really. Life is just wonderful, and you? How are the kids? Oh, they're doing GREAT. Especially my daughter, she's a real gem. How's the new house? It's fantastic, we're just SO glad we bought it. Did I tell you it has an indoor pool? Are you having Christmas with the family? Absolutely, you bet. We'll spend one day with my child molesting uncle and the next with the in-laws who wish I would fall off the face of the Earth.

Is this really my life? Because it sure the f*ck is not what I signed up for. I want Damn She's Funny Girl back, but since women shouldn't try to be funny, I guess I'll just have to settle for Smiley Girl With The Perfect Life.