A Happy Medium

When I was growing up, I was the biggest bookworm around. If my nose wasn't buried in a book, there was something seriously wrong. I have read THOUSANDS of novels in my lifetime, which I think has contributed to my ridiculous obsession with spelling mistakes and typos (the one main thing I forgot to write about in my 7 crazy things list) but I also think it has made me a more intelligent, well-rounded person. If that makes sense. Anyways, there is a point to my blather about reading, I promise. Since I was little, every time I hear the term "happy medium" I think of the book A Wrinkle In Time by Madeleine L'Engle. In the book, the Happy Medium was actually a woman, or a spirit if you will, that lived in a cave and had a crystal ball. Now I am all grown up and feel as though I am desperately seeking my very own Happy Medium in all different aspects of my life. The real meaning of happy medium that is. Compromise, middle ground or whatever you want to call it.

For example, this recent decision to try for another baby, which by the way has been put off until March cycle because I don't want to be a giant whale in the dead of summer, not that we get a summer here but whatever. It really is a HUGE compromise on my part. This is something my man really wants and is looking forward to and something I am scared to death of doing. We are on extreme opposite ends of the spectrum on this matter, but there is really no common ground, nowhere to meet in the middle. There's either a pregnancy and (hopefully) a baby....or there isn't. It's pretty shitty that I have to feel this way about it and totally unfair that I would have to add 'hopefully', but that's just the way it is.

Along with my intense fear of having yet another miscarriage or crazy pregnancy comes another fear that is totally shallow and vain and I am not ashamed to admit it. I've mentioned before that I lost a lot of weight last year (in the neighborhood of 65lbs) and to be honest, I just don't want to gain it back. Since the move and excessive eating/drinking over the holidays, I managed to pack on a nasty 14lbs. I am utterly disgusted with myself. I am however bound determined to lose it and get back in shape (I finally found a treadmill, yay!) I'm on Day 5 of a cleanse right now and feeling fantastic. I have been working out every day, sweating my ass off and loving it. I'm actually down 9.5lbs already, but I will gain some back when I reintroduce food next week. I didn't do the cleanse to lose weight, because I am smart enough to realize that would be a temporary fix. I did it to kick start myself and my body into action and clearly, it's working. I flat out refuse to go into this pregnancy feeling unhappy about my body. I already told my man that since this WILL be my LAST baby, I have every intention on enjoying the ten months of Hell pregnancy, or at the very least try my best to. I will buy killer maternity clothes and I will be radiant, god damnit. lol. The decision to wait until March to try also gives me the opportunity to shed some fat and tone up a bit before I get myself knocked up, which is a bonus. I can picture myself now in SFAMK maternity jeans and a tight fitting, low-cut top and everyone looking and thinking how great I look for being preggers. Oh come on, a girl can dream can't she?

OK, so here's the Happy Medium thing in relation to my weight loss. When I lost all my weight last year, I thought I looked fabulous. I was so proud of myself (and still am) for perservering and achieving my goal. Unfortunately, somewhere along the line and I am honestly not sure where, I surpassed my goal and lost control. I have pictures from a trip to Kelowna that we took in August and let me tell you, I don't look anything like I thought I looked. My head looks too big for my body and my neck and arms are scrawny. My man's friend Jamie told me last week that I looked like I was about to die. I burst out laughing when he told me that, but I suppose in some exaggerated way, he is right on the money.

Somehow, I must find my middle ground with my body. I'm not sure how I go about doing it, but I sure as hell am going to try. I plan on being very careful once I feel that I am approaching a weight that I am comfortable with. I am well aware that I have some major body image issues so this really is a difficult undertaking for me. I lose weight very quickly too, and not because I crash diet, it's just the way I am...but of course it doesn't help when trying to achieve the difference between fit and emaciated.

I need to find a balance between where I was a little mushy in some areas (I'm wearing shorts for a reason, people) and still felt like I hadn't quite achieved my goal (in June):



and Bobble Head Girl (in August):




If I had a crystal ball like Madeleine wrote about, then I would know when I would achieve my goal. But since realistically that's never going to happen, it leaves me only with the question...Is a true Happy Medium actually achievable?