So, it looks like two lines it's going to be. Starting my next cycle, we will be actively trying to conceive. Unfortunately, this decision comes in the wake of terrible news. The job I was waiting to hear about is no longer available, as the person for whom I would have been working for has been diagnosed with a terminal illness. It would be awful news whether I knew her or not, but it's especially saddening because she is a family member of a friend of mine, a friend whom I would consider in my "inner circle", even if we have only been friends for a short period of time. I care about her and what happens in her world, so I am sad for her. And for me, too. Not on the same level, but I am disappointed that I won't be given the opportunity to work for this person, because I believe she would have been the perfect person to help me on my way in my career.
I wasn't sure that me not going back to work right away was going to push me to make a decision about getting pregnant, but after several days of mulling it over, talking it out with my man and weighing the pros and cons, I figured why the hell not. Let's face it, waiting another 3 months or even 3 years isn't going to take away any of the fears I have about pregnancy. I am going to make an appointment with my doctor, but I know she will tell me the standard stuff....not to worry, I will be monitored, blah blah blah. I know she will give me the go ahead.
So I was feeling pretty good about this decision and then I remembered something, something huge. In some sick sense of irony (the story of my life), the day that I made this decision to have another baby, today, January 7th, is also my daughter's 15th birthday. Fifteen years ago today, when I was only 15 years old, I was laying in the hospital, alone (my mother having literally dropped me on the curb outside the entrance doors because she was late for work) and I was riddled with fear. It's almost funny when I think back. I was scared of the pain of labor and delivery. I was nervous about whether or not I would be able to take care of my tiny, fragile newborn baby because I was still a baby myself. Fast forward fifteen years and nothing much has changed. I am a grown woman now, but I am still unable to care for that very same child. Despite my best efforts, I was incapable of making my daughter's life a good one. She is on a path to self destruction and I am a helpless bystander. I have failed horribly as a Mother and yet here I am, ready to bring another child into my life.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
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2 comments:
in the past, i have felt the same way about my youngest sister (who was so very self-destructive). i am older enough to be motherly towards her, especially since our mother was way more like a spoiled rotten, bossy, older sister.
all i can say is, there's only one thing that can happen with someone like that. they will either pull themselves out of it, or they won't. we can't save them.
what we can do is, show them we still love them. keep reaching out, and don't stop, no matter what. you will cut yourself off emotionally....you have to. but your reaching out will become important in her life. if she does have the strength to grow out of this, YOUR strength in not giving up on her will motivate her.
there were times i wished my sister would just kill herself and be done with it. i really did. but i kept calling and listening to anything she had to say and remained a presence in her life. it's all i could do.
as far as deciding to try again..........sheesh. won't even pretend to have anything to say on that. but i do know you aren't as huge a failure as you think.
I am SO sorry to hear about SL. Send S my sentiments. That is so hard to hear.
In terms of 2 lines. I'm here for you as much or as little as you want me to be. I'll share your fears and your tears, your excitment, your happiness.
As for M, I REALLY REALLY REALLY just hope for her that she pulls through this phase. I was chatting with one of the young girls that works with me the other day, and she was talking about how horrible she was when she was 15-16. She is in grade 12 now and seems to be pretty straightened out. I mean she still parties a bit more than I would deem acceptable for a 17 year old, but she always works when she is scheduled, shows up on time and is never late. When I talk to her and work wither her and listen to her stories of how troubled she was in her early teens I ALWAYS think of your M. It reminds me that there is hope, becuase it seems that this girl was on the path to self destruction and heading nowhere but rock bottom, and she is doing fine now.
I'm here anytime you need me. We should do drinks and appies again soon.
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